Secretary sent this to me. I laughed.

Integrity…Your Lawyer says this is mandatory reading!

INTEGRITY

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ‘I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.’ I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.’

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

First, New York City has apparently sped up. I reported a bit ago that New York City was moving one minute faster than the rest of the world. Well, I am now happy to report that according to the same clock, New York is moving two minutes faster than the rest of the world. Go New York!

Secondly, I saw what looked to be a giant fountain of fruit punch in the middle of Times Square. I kid you not. It was tall, squarely phallic and was squirting red liquid out its top, allowing it to flow down its sides. I thought it was a giant Hi-C ad, but as I got closer I saw that it was sectioned off with yellow police tape that said “Dexter” on it. Dexter, for those of you who don’t know, is a Showtime series about a serial killer. This is most definitely the definition of temporary, urban advertising. I can almost guarantee that thing will be gone by tomorrow. Gotta love Times Square.

Also, I told you before about Marc Ecko’s site for the 756 ball. Well, that’s all been decided. It’ll be branded and sent to the Hall. None of us will ever know what it will be like to have a small baseball orbiting our planet. Woe is me.

I have always posited (Is that even a word?  Am I using it correctly?) that New York City always reflects your own mood.  If you’re happy, everything is cheery and bright and trains come quickly and there’s hot girls to look at and all that.  If it’s a bad day, there’s clouds, dozens of police cars staring at you, and a middle finger at every cross walk put there by some creative soul who placed duct tape over three of the fingers of the don’t walk sign (okay, for some that’s actually the cure for depression).  This city (and maybe cities around the world) has the ability to completely and utterly reflect your present emotional state.  I swear it’s flawless. (more…)

Walking across Times Square today I noticed definitive proof that New York City is actually running faster than the rest of the world. On the corner of 43rd and Broadway (or is that 7th - anyway, on 43rd in Times Square, Northeast corner), there are the world clocks. Digital clocks that show the time in Times Square, Tokyo, London, and I believe Paris or something like that, maybe Milan, could be more, I don’t know. Point being, this morning I was shocked to see that while every other clock listed the time as {X Hour}:55, Times Square was listed at 8:56. NEW YORK CITY IS MOVING ONE MINUTE FASTER THAN THE REST OF THE WORLD! AMAZING!

This despite the fact that Americans are as fat as ever.

Learn something new everyday, right?  So this weekend I did my first keg stand and this morning I saw my first harelip.  Now the harelip is an interesting phenomena (as is the keg stand for that matter).  It’s constantly made fun of in cartoons where it is usually heavily exaggerating, or at least now I have to assume it is.  Maybe this guy just had a minor harelip, but while obviously noticeable, I didn’t feel like it made the guy grotesque.  Mildly deformed, yes.  Vomitacious to look at, no.

So that’s what I learned today.